Love Advices

Detangling TRUST

Trust, according to the dictionary, is the firm belief in the reliability of someone. However, in order to properly understand this phenomenon, one must answer the following questions:

  • What is reliability?
  • How is reliability determined and measured?
  • How does a partner become reliable?

 

Reliability refers to the ability to remain consistent. That consistency can only be measured or determined by proven and desired results.

Unfortunately, trust relies so much on the unknown abilities of your partner. To change that:

  • Get acquainted with what you know about your partner’s abilities. This should be helpful with discovering the unknown.
  • Expect the unexpected and devise a plan of action with your partner for what you hope will never come to be. This should help with planning for the future.
  • Set and discuss expectations with your partner. This should help with positively developing the relationship.
  • Clarify misunderstandings and misinterpretations to make sure you’re both on the same page. This should help with establishing consistent reliability.

 

Some will say: “relations have to be built on trust.”:

  • Wrong! Relationships have to be built on LOVE! It should always be the starting point in the relationship.
  • Love, as it develops and strengthens, will eventually give life to trust.
  • How much you love always determines how much you trust.
  • Therefore, you CAN love without trust, despite what you may have heard before.
  • Trust must be earned over time, ALWAYS remember that!             

 

I once read somewhere that, “trust is like an eraser; it gets smaller with every mistake.” But the thing is:

  • People can’t avoid making mistakes. When we try to be mistakes free, most of the time, it results in making more mistakes.
  • Sometimes mistakes are unintentional.
  • Sometimes they are results of misguidance;
  • Some other times they are results of no preparation and/or expectation of their occurrence.

 

But here are a few things you can do to avoid trust issues in any relationship:

  • Communicate about your desires and expectations ALL THE TIME with your partner.
  • Honestly talk things over and be clear about your feelings, fears, expectations and goals for the relationship.
  • Be aware of potential betrayal and raise that awareness and your concerns with your partner.
  • Build trust in levels and layers and help your partner understand them.
  • Guide your partner with promotion and demotion within each level and layer.
  • Respect your partner as an individual and don’t try to change who they are.

 

One thing to remember is that you cannot erase mistakes, if you could, what would be left to learn from? Instead of focusing on erasing them, focus on learning, understanding, repairing and preventing repetition of undesired results.

But when things don’t work as planned, what do you do? To determine that, you must first understand the benefits of trusting.

 

In my opinion, despite unfortunate betrayal of the past, the following are the main 3 good reasons to trust in a relationship:

1.          Build better connections: Trusting your partner will bring you closer to each other, unconsciously. However:

  • Don’t go around trusting everyone, every time;
  • Trust must be earned and built over time;
  • Therefore, you must carefully select who you allow in that deep layer of feelings.
  • When that occurs, a deeper connection is guaranteed.

2.           Strengthen relationship growth:

  • The more experience you have with trust, the better you’ll be able to guide your partner for a successful relationship.
  • Through successful communication and guidance, mutual respect will also develop.
  • That mutual respect will eventually reduce the risk of betrayal.

3.           Experience peace of mind with lower stress levels:

  • Not having to worry about how your partner behaves or handles temptation in possible betrayal opportunities should be the most relaxing feeling ever.
  • Making yourself vulnerable is part of loving again. Although scary, but it’s the most satisfying gut feeling, knowing that you are taking chance on yourself, your partner and the relationship.
  • It takes more energy to build a wall alone than to build a better relationship together with your partner.

 

Regardless of your experience with trust, you should always:

1.           Live only in the present:

  • Each new partner will be different, therefore always aim to evolve together and adapt with experiences and consequences as they come.
  • You should naturally aim to love and trust your current partner differently…always better than before.
  • The past may affect but not dictate how you live your present and plan your future.
  • Live in the moment and let destiny guide you through circumstances you have ZERO control over.

2.           Remember that trust takes time – work at it methodically:

  • Trust is not built overnight, yet it can be destroyed instantly. Therefore, be patient, no need to rush.
  • Remember that your partner, despite guidance and support, could still make mistakes.
  • Be prepared to forgive but set limits for the both of you.
  • Work on building trust everyday, with every emotion, every action and every circumstance.
  • Constantly support and guide your partner on the path/ journey of earning your trust… it takes 2 to tango.

3.           Embrace Vulnerability:

  • This includes instincts. Always trust your instincts.
  • Grade your trust based on the strength of your love and not the other way around.
  • Trust your gut feelings and get clarification on uncertainties.
  • If your partner understands who you are, your goals for the relationship and your concerns for betrayal, they will more than likely respect them.
  • Such respect will motivate them to work harder at earning your trust.

 

Love is not something you learn… trust is! After suffering a betrayal, one can never be the same. You must become a new version of your old self, a more protected one.  Your trust should be harder to earn than the last. Therefore, teach, guide and support your partner on how to earn your “new” trust. That way they can learn the improved way of earning your trust.

TO BE CONTINUED…

In the comments, please express your views, feedback and testimonials about this topic.

Happy DetAngling! 🙂

Categories: Love Advices

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